QUICK NICKS

NICK AND CALLERS
 
It would be impossible to log all of Nick's great radio calls on this page because there are simply too many. So instead I have selected some of the better ones and put them below for your pleasure and entertainment.

 
Nick chats up an old dear
(Nick is playing 'Beside the seaside' music)
Nick : This sounds like your kind of music Hazel, because you're what, 90, 95 ?
Hazel : No, I'm 72 !
Nick : So like I said.
Hazel : I'm 72, not 95 !
Nick : Well, 72, 95 what's the difference ?
Hazel : It's a lot !!

Moron on line one
(Caller is talking about T.V. Ratings)
Caller : The World cup final got 15,017,000
Nick : For the world cup final itself, which was a boring match but aren't they always ?
('Correct' Sound effect)
Caller : No, I didn't think it was boring at all, I thought it was terrific, I enjoyed it. Ok and number 1, as you predicted, was Eastenders
('Wrong' Sound effect) With 15,800,000
Nick : Really ?
Caller : It seems that nothing, even a great concert like the three tenors or a world cup final can get in the way of this thing that's been conditioned into this culture.
Nick : And (I have no idea how to spell this) Placemo-dimingo (Look, I tried ok ?) singing..
(Sound effect : 'I'm a loser baby..')
Caller : Well, you telephone a moronic Dj to talk about moronism and what do you get ?
Nick : Erm...
(Caller slams phone down)
Nick : Exactly, a moron. Blimey, he was angry wasn't he ? What an idiot. Call him back.
Kev : He's never going to listen again. Actually we do have his number.
Nick : We don't need him. What the hell was his problem ? He left in a hissy fit, you could almost see him mincing out of the room. Slammed the phone down (Nick sighs in a gay kind of way, everyone laughs) He's gone to stroke the cat. Calm down mate, it's only a radio show. Blimey !

Carol on TV
Caller : Right, I've got an update on Carol, why you can't get hold of her.
Nick : Carol the Griffin ?
Caller : Mmm-hmm, I read in the paper that she's doing the Jack Docherty show on Channel 5.
Nick : I heard that, somebody told me and I didn't believe them. So, she'll come onto the set with loud studio applause, sit down in her chair, look around and say - (McGiffinator - "Right so what are we doing ?")

Kitchen Cupboards
Caller: You know those small doors in the kitchen.
Nick: Plays "Whaat effect"
Caller: You know the small doors
Nick: What the hell are you talking about man!
Caller: Small doors the cat gets the bread
Nick: Small doors? Cupboards you idiot!
After about 5 mins of the caller drivalling on...
Nick: Dont ever call this show again!

PLEASE NOTE: These transcripts are here thanks to Lewis Gill who spent many a dark night typing them up. What a star.