NICK TRANSCRIPTS

Below are a selection of transcripts from Nick's old Virgin Radio talk shows and articles on Nick from magazines. If you have one then e-mail me at IanCole@NickAbbot.Com.

Nick is featured in Time Out magazine and answers a series of questions about his past, his ambitions and his life...

Abbot has so far survived the volatile world of work that is the Chris Evans-owned Virgin and, not content with spinning a few discs there (Mon-Sat, 1-4pm, Virgin FM), moonlights on Talk Radio (7-9pm) making the painful evening transition between the super-smooth wireless veteran Peter Deeley and the er, all-action James Whale with considerable aplomb.

What was your first job?
Waiter at the Tudor Rose Edinburgh.

What was the stupidest mistake you made when you were there?
Not showing up for my first Saturday, as, naturally enough, I had to go and see the Who play Celtic Park.

What is your favourite record on your playlist this week?
Sheryl Crow "My Favourite Mistake."

What is your favourite non-playlist record this week?
The dance track that samples a Jane Fonda work out - funny. [That's 'Gym Tonic' by Bob Sinclair - Ed]

What tune goes through your head when you're having a shower?
Stormy Weather

What book would you take to a desert island?
Cooking With Cocounts

What your favourite place to eat?
Mirabelle Drink? On a picnic blanket Be merry? A club called Pure in what was the Milk Bar circa 1989.

Why do you love London town?
I don't know - maybe its because I'm a Londoner.

What's the most important thing to happen to British music in the last ten years?
The dance explosion.

What brand wouldn't you been seen without?
Yale

Compose a rhyming slogan for your show:
Listen to Nick Abbot or don't, whatever.

What tune would you put on to follow 'Anarchy in the UK'?
New York, New York (I did this once on-air and it really works.)

If a genie granted you three wishes, what would you wish for?
A vodka martini, straight up with a twist, To see Joe Walsh play live circa 1975 and an extra inch.

If you could ring any business and order anything you want who would you ring?
Pizzeria Uno in the USA.

What would you order?
A seafood delico with a Long Island Ice Tea.

If you fancied the delivery person, what would your first words to them be?
Hi, I'm Russ Williams. No.

Would you prefer to be on TV?
Definitely not.

Who would get your vote for the first president of the UK and why?
Simon Hoggart, the Guardian's political columnist, as he's one of the very few people connected to politics who makes any sense at all to me whatsoever.

How much to play your birthday?
Can't - I'm working that night.

Nick Abbot turns agony aunt as he helps out some teenagers with their personal problems from some typical teenie magazines...

Letter: This sounds like a really pathetic problem but it's actually driving me up the wall. I'm incredibly sensitive and paranoid. I have friends but I'm sure I annoy them with all my worries and possessive tendencies. I realise that I constantly need attention and to be told that I'm liked otherwise I'm very moody. I hate myself ! Also I'm very obsessed with my apperance and the fact that I'm not perfect, so I constantly feel jealous of other people. Is this normal ?

Nick's reply: Only if you're in showbusiness.

Letter : I want a man's view on male masturbation. My boyfriend and I are both 18 and have been having sex for about 8 months. It came as a bit of a shock to me recently to discover that he still masturbates occasionaly. Although I don't really find this a problem I was quite intreged by his reason. He explained to me that once 3 or 4 days had passed without a man releiving himself ejaculation has to occur not necessarily for pleasure but because of a build up of tension in the penis. Was this just an embarresed excuse or does this actually happen ?

Nick's reply: Absolutly. See men must masturbate at least once a day to reduce tensile strength in the penis and to stop the testicles exploding.

Letter: I am a 15 year old girl and have been a lesbian for 3 years. Some of my mates are boys I don't ask girls to go out with me 'cause I'm not serious about being a lesbian forever.When I met this boy it made me forget that I'm a lesbian. I like him but I'm too shy and don't know what to do. I'm waiting for him to ask me out and am really desperate.

Nick's reply: Confused more like ! You don't just wake up one day and say "Yeah, I think I'll be a lesbian for a while". Maybe you're confusing it with vegetarianism as neither are interested in sausages.

Letter : My boyfriend and I are both 16 and recently he asked me if I would masturbate him. I feel ready to do it as my boyfriend and I love each other but I'm not sure how to. I'm too embaressed to tell my boyfriend or ask him how to do it, so I just told him I didn't feel like it. Please explain how it's done 'cause I love him and I don't want to keep putting him off.

Nick's reply: Or pulling him off ! Ok, what you do is get a bucket of moisturiser and the long reach attachment to your vacumm cleaner.

Letter: I've just started having sex with my boyfriend, we're not using contraceptive as he says it's safer if he pulls out before he come's. Once he went to the toilet in between and said it would stop me getting pregnant. My friend says he's talking rubbish

Nick's reply: No, it'll only stop you getting pregnant if he goes to the toilet instead of coming but ask him to leave the bed before he does it.

Letter : I've been going out with a boy for a month, the other week we kissed and he touched my breast. Afterwards he said the hairs around my nipples should be plucked out. Now I've found out he's told all his friends and he's calling me 'gorilla breasts'. I'm so upset, how can I get rid of the hair?

Nick's reply : Ok, take a black and decker sander, with a breast hair attatchment and bite on something hard.

Here are a selection of longer extracts from Nick's shows on Talk Radio and Virgin over the past few years...

Nick & Kev with the lottery numbers
Kev: We've got the lottery numbers if you want them.
Nick: The lottery numbers (south-west country bumpkin accent)?
Kev: Yeah, before we go to a break. Have you got your ticket ready?
Nick: The lottery numbers (sw accent)?
Kev: Yeah.
(pause)
Kev: ooooo, aaaaaaa,   are you ready?
Nick: What????
Kev: I was preparing myself...
Nick: Okay.
Kev: Alright, here we go. One!
Nick: Really? One never shows up (buzzzz) especially on my ticket.
Kev: Thirteen.
Nick: Er, that would be a no. (buzzz)
Kev: Unlucky for some, unlucky for you on this occasio...
(Nick interrupts)
Nick: Yes. That's right. What a surprise.
Kev: I sounded like a bingo caller then! Twenty-nine!
Nick: Twenty-nine! Oh! (buzz) No.
Kev: Oh, well, I'm sure you'll have this number.
Nick: Umm-hum?
Kev: Thirty-one!
Nick: (sounding genuinely surprised) _Yes, I do_ have that number! (bing)
Kev: hah!
(Nick interrupts)
Kev: I'd like to point out...
Nick: You must be psychotic.
Kev: No, I consulted the psychic dog earlier today. (starts to say something)
(Nick interrupts)
Nick: Shaddup, wait a minute, before you say another thing...
Kev: Yes.
Nick: I have two more numbers left,
Kev: Right?
Nick: and you two numbers to give me, is that correct?
Kev: two and a bonus.
Nick: Right, never mind about the bonus, nobody cares about your bonus ball.
(long pause)
Kev: Errrerr..no, let's not go down that route.
Nick: So if I get both of these, then this will only be the second time, in the entire history of this  sssssssssssuck-hole game! That I have won ten punds, ten STINKING pounds! On this game. How stupid are me? (pause) Am I.
(Kev laughs)
Nick: How stupid _am_ me.
Nick: He-he
Nick: Oh, I've just made a hole in this now, I've got so emotional, now I probably...even if I win, they'll probably reject it. OK, so, thirty-one, absolutely, (bing) yes.
Kev: Thirty-three!
Nick: Ooooooooooooooo!
(Bing)
(Kev laughs again)
Nick: _Now_ it's getting tense. Now it's all resting on this last ball. Thrity-one and thrity-three, absolutely, yes.
Kev: Now, can I give the bonus ball first?
Nick: No. If you give..errr...I don't wanna hear the bonus ball. At all. D'you understand that' This week I absolutley do not want to hear your b...(trademarked AbbotRant) Nobody gives a damn about the bonus ball. A...Y'know, they just don't. So this last ball, if yo...if this is not the right ball I'm gonna come in there, and I'm gonna _physically_ insert this ticket in you.
Kev: Ohh!
Nick: Well...or I'll get one of the lads to it.
Kev: Heh-heh, please don't.
Nick: And the number is...?
Kev: Forty-two!
Nick: Arrragh!!!
(Nick plays the chorus of 'Loser' by Beck)
Nick:I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

Nick & Kev with the weather
Kev: Talk Radio Satellite Weather.
Nick: Oh we're doing the weather now. Oh good, this will be great.
Kev: Do you reckon ?
Nick: Yes, especially in Dunrae where it's much warmer than in other parts of the country  and there's a strange purple glow - It's quite delightful.
Kev: maybe that's why the weather's nice here.
Nick: Yeah could quite well be. Please don't go and watch the sunset because your skin will drip off your face. Everything's safe and stable at Dunrae they say. Oh good.
Kev: Oh good.
Nick: TV-AM should come from Dunrae.
Kev: GMTV.
Nick: Who are TV-AM ?
Kev: They used to be..
Nick: Oh they used to be on and then TV-AM became GMTV..
Kev: No they didn't become, they lost their franchise.
Nick: But for people tuning in they became GMTV like it was the same button at the same time. It became right ?
Kev: Yes.
Nick: People who just  watch T.V. and don't take any part in it's actual bizz-nizz they don't know any of that rubbish they just switch on the t.v. and what's on is on.
Kev: Well it was well publicised the TV-AM thing.
Nick: Oh nobody cares about That ! It just became it, it was like on the next day and that was it. And it was the same, making it very strange as to why they had to lose their licence and become something else because it became the same. (Laughs) How does that work ? I don't understand all this stuff about regulating media.
Kev: Oh no.. don't please..
Nick: Let's talk about regulating radio I don't understand that at all.
Kev: No, let's not. Tonight Wales and wetsern Scotland and Northern Ireland...
Nick: Why not ?
Kev: ...Will be mainly dry...
Nick: Only 2 more shows to go.
(Sound effect : Birds singing)
Nick: This is what it sounds like at four o'clock in the morning outside my window and as I've said before I want to go out with a blunderbuss just so as I can get enough of them and so as they would go and tell all of their friends ‘keep clear of there'. Because there is a huge tree outside my place, I'm surrounded by trees actually (English accent) It's quite lovely really. But ... birds ! What the hell have they got to sing about at four ? and they don't stop singing until about nine. If only they would get up a little later and sang at about nine-ish they wouldn't wake anybody up. And they are such boring songs as well it's the same song over and over again and they'll repeat that for ever like they are sort of stuck in the groove. Groovy birds I've got outside my window. (Pause)
Kev: ...With clear spells. (Nick laughs) The rest of the British isles..
Nick: Wait a minute that doesn't make sense to anybody, what was that ?
Kev: It's gonna be dry with clear spells o.k.?
Nick: Kind of like this:-
(Sound effect : Birds singing.)
Nick: Ahh ! Reminds you of a clear spell doesn't it ?
Kev: The rest of the british isles will be largely clear with patchy misty fog.
(Song : "I'm Misty and too much in love...")
Kev: Around Dawn.
Nick: Dawn ?
Kev: Yeah.
Nick: Really ? She'll be singing on the eurovision around about now. Who did Dawn used to sing with ?
Kev: Erm..
Nick: It was some sort of comedy name.
Kev: I know the answer to this. Tony Orlando.
Nick: Tony Orlando and Dawn, that's right. What was the rude joke ? I can't remember somebody please tell us the Tony Orlando and Dawn joke, 0500-10-53-89. Kev also says he wants to do some sort of erm.. not that we should even be mentioning this just in case people tune in not that I can understand why anybody  would want to watch the Eurovision Song Contest, who would want to watch that ? It goes on for three hours ! A Eurovision lightning round he wants to do  like a tit-bit of talent and sing your favourite eurovision song.
Kev: Not necessarily that. It doesn't have to be a Eurovision song.
Nick: Oh pur-leasse !!!
Kev: It doesn't have to be a Eurovision song.
Nick: This is the idea I've been waiting for ? In all the time we've been on here this is your idea ?
Kev: Oh come on.
Nick: (Laughs) Creative Kev.
Kev: In 35 minutes ?
Nick: No, in all the time I've been at this station this is the idea I've been waiting for. I've been trying to push you along and encourage you, come on Kev, come on.. have an idea. and that was it ?!?
Kev: Maximum temperature of 11degrees celcius..
Nick: I'm beginning to lash out wildly now aren't I ?
Kev: And a minimum temperature of three degrees..
(Song : ‘Three Degrees')
Nick: Three Degrees ? Thought I'ld never be able to play that again and there it is.Three degrees. Kev ?
Kev: Yeah ?
(Lyrics : "When will we share a precious moment ?")
Kev: After the show if you want.
Nick: Oh, o.k. then.
Kev: Tommorrow Wales and the Southern half of England will experience sunshine...
Nick: I don't think I can wait that long.
Kev: Oh all right, we'll just play the opener now then. Err... Turning hazy as the day goes on.
(Song : ‘Summertime')
Kev: (interrupting) In the evening.
Nick: Wait a moment. (song stops) Start that senntance again.
Kev: (Coughs) Wales and the Southern half of England will experience (Cough) Sunshine.
(Song : ‘Summertime')
Nick: Yeaaahhh !!
Kev: Turning hazy as the day goes on.
(Song : "Leaves are brown now, and the sky, is a hazy shade..")
Kev: .. Of summer.
Nick: Of summer that's correct, yes.
Kev: Towards the evening a possibility of shower rain speading from the South.
(Sound Effect : Rain Pouring.)
Nick: Aaahhh ! My favourite.
Kev: Northen Ireland, Scotland and Northern England Will have a mainly dry day with sunny spells although..
(Song ; " The sun has got his hat on...")
Kev: (interrupting) (Again) It'll be clearer..
Nick: Wait a minute ! The sun has got his hat on.. yes ?
Kev: Hip-hip-hooray ?
Nick: How does it go ?
(Song ; "The sun has got his hat on hip-hip-hip-hooray, the sun has got his hat on and he's coming out today.")
Nick: We don't get much of it so let's enjoy it. So let's have that again, England will be mainly dry with sunny spells.
Kev: Although..
Nick: Yes ?
Kev: It will be cooler in coastal areas.
(Song : ‘Beside the seaside' theme tune)
Nick: Oh by the sea you mean ?
Kev: Yeah.
(Song plays in Background)
Kev: A maximum temperature of, are you ready for this ? This is the biggest number we've ever had as a maximum temperature.. or a minimum temperature come to that.
Nick: A Min-um-min-um ?
Kev: Min-um-min-um do-do-do-do-do
Nick: Blimey.
Kev: And a maximun temperature of twenty..
Nick: Wait, wait don't say it !
(Song continues)
Kev: It's good to see Nick with his organ out isn't it ?
Nick: I'm glad that god blessed me with more than my fair share of organ (Song Stops) and you just heard 30 seconds of it. (Pause) This show so far is in the toilet ! (Kev laughs) My mother listens to this show will you please try to control yourself ?
Kev: We should call your mother Nick. (Nick Laughs)
Nick: Don't even think about it.
Kev: And a maximum temperature of 22 degrees celcius
Nick: (Cockney voice : You're ‘aving a laugh ain't ya ?
Kev: No. (Pause)
Nick: See now when I cue you you've got to look at me.
Kev: I wasn't looking at you.
Nick: I know you weren't looking at me you great gonk !! Look at me, there's the cue ! (Opener)

Reena the mad old woman
Nick: Let's go to Reena.
Reena: (mad Voice) Hello ?
Nick: Reena.
Reena: Hello Nick ?
Nick: Uh-oh. (Pause) Hello Reena !
Reena: Hello ? Can you hear me ?
Nick: (Very sarcastically) Erm yeah, it sounds like you.
Reena: Yeah, it is me (Mumbled voice) You'll have to excuse my throat.
Nick: No what ?
Reena: You'll have to excuse my throat.
Nick: Your throat ?
Reena: Yeah, it's filled with abcesses
Nick: It's filled with acid ?
Reena: ABCESSES.
Nick: Abcesses ?
Reena: Yeah.
Nick: What a lovely picture.
Reena: Yeah I'm a bit of a nightraker
Nick: You're a ..?
Reena: A nightraker.
Nick: A Nightraker ?
Reena: With the Talk Radio.
Nick: You rake during the night.
Reena: Yeah, every night.
Nick: A nightraker
Reena: And I stay awake all day as well.
Nick: You stay awake all day and all night and you've got a throat full of abcesse's. Really ? (Laughs)
Reena: Yeah but that's not what I wanted to talk about.
Nick: (Still laughing) What are the odds on that ? And you think you might be a little rundown, Reena ?
Reena: Yeah. I've been to the doctor's and he's given me a load of tablet's.
Nick: Really ?
Reena: I didn't want to go but I had to eventually.
Nick: Is the doctor pleased to see you when you go ?
Reena: Well he just sort of er.. wants to get you out quickly.
Nick: He just wants to get you out ?
Reena: Yeah.
Nick: What are the odds on that ?
Reena: I've got a sheet in my drawer.
Nick: You've got a what in your drawer ?
Reena: A piece of paper
Nick: Oh, a sheet !
Reena: And it must have ‘undred different tablets prescribed to me without knowing what's wrong.
Nick: Do you ever have to keep any of your medicine in your fridge ?
Reena: No.
Nick: Have you ever gone a long period of time without taking any of your medicine ?
Reena: Yeah, right now.
Nick: Right now is exactly what I thought you were going to say !! That's what I like people who are on heavy medication, don't take your medicine then call me, 0500-10-53-89.
Reena: Right, er..ok er.. I wanted to ask you a favour Nick.
Nick: Yes Reena ?
Reena: Err... You know you er.. have these supermarkets like Asda and Netto and Tesco and er.. such like.
Nick: Yeah without naming any brand names you did that really well. That was excellent, thanks a lot.
Reena: Am I alright ?
Nick: What ?
Reena: Am I doing alright ?
Nick: You've been doing great so far.
Reena: I want to mention a backstreet shop (Pause) That's not promoted.
Nick: A backstreet shop ?
Reena: Yeah. Err... They call it Aladdins's erm.. They call it Bargain Basement.
Nick: Yeah.
Reena: It's on North Castle Street.
Nick: Is this just an advert for a shop ?
Reena: No, it's because of what these two people have done for me.
Nick: They've done something to you ?
Reena: For me.
Nick: Oh, for you !
Reena: So, in a way it's a bit of appreciation.
Nick: Right and if they hadn't have helped you in the manner that we're about to hear then you would have probably lost your mind. Am I right ?
Reena: Right. (Nick laughs)
Reena: Erm... There's a second hand come new furniture shop.
Nick: Er, I'm sorry there's a second hand Come new Furniture shop ?
Reena: Yeah, they sell both.
Nick: Uh-Huh and so what have you picked up lately Reena ?
Reena: Well I've re-furnished my house.
Nick: Have you ? And what colour is it ? Black ?

Nick calls up the Wayne Fitzgerald Show
Nick: Clint, is this a private line ? (Clint mumbles something) Oh, ok. (Keeps dialling number) I don't even know what I'm going to say when I get on. (Phone rings) So what is this guy's name ? Wayne Fitztightly. I'll call him Dwayne, really piss him off. (Phone continues to ring) Are they erm...do people like..
Wayne: (Picks up phone) Hello ?
Nick: Hello is this CNFM ?
Wayne: Sort of.
Nick: This is Nick Abbot from Virgin 1215 and it's the law that I tell you you're on the air right now because otherwise they'll suspend me for another couple of days.
Wayne: Well that's very exciting.
Nick: And you know money means nothing to me but another thousand pounds I just couldn't deal with it. Is this the Dwayne Fitzgerald show ?
Wayne: It could well be.
Nick: It could well be ? What don't you know ?
Wayne: Do you know, you dialled the number.
Nick: That's right.
Wayne: So who are you dialling ?
Nick: The Dwayne Fitzgerald show.
Wayne: Oh no, never heard of him.
Nick: Is it Wayne Fitzgerald ?
Wayne: It could well be....could well be.
Nick: Well is it or isn't it !?!
Wayne: Is it or isn't it ? Hmmm... That's an interesting question. My name is Wayne, yes.
Nick:Oh...you're...is this....you are Wayne ?
Wayne: Yes.
Nick: Excellent ! I've been told that you play Blackjack on the air.
Wayne: That's correct.
Nick: Excellent, can I play ?
Wayne: Finished tonight, I'm afraid.
Nick: You're finished tonight ?
Wayne: Yes, the quiz has finished.
Nick: Have you finished ?
Wayne: Oh no. Hit music 24 hours a day in crystal clear stereo.
Nick: Rrrright. So what are you up to now Dwayne ?
Wayne: Playing Gloria Estefan at the moment.
Nick: (Laughs) Gloria Estefan ? Excellent. So can't I even get on the air with you?
Wayne: Erm, no I don't think so.
Nick: Little too scared for that eh ?
Wayne: No we don't take callers after 1a.m.
Nick: So you want to stick to the rules at all times.
Wayne: Quite correct.
Nick: I bet you do. I've been hearing excellent things about you, man.
Wayne: Well yes, one of our colleagues, you know.
Nick: One of whose colleagues ?
Wayne: Hang on a second, got to put you on hold.
Nick: Oh yeah right, ok. Thanks a lot mate (Whiney voice) 'Well it could be !' Wasn't he great ? Man, I wish we could pick that station up here because you know I can't get to sleep at night and would he help or what ? Now, Paul Weller.
(Nick plays Paul Weller)
Nick: And you're on the air again. I want to write that in big illuminous letters and underline it in red Ok ?
Wayne: Ok
Nick: Because it cost me an awful lot of money last time and I'm not prepared to go through *that* again.
Wayne: Well Virgin get all their best Dj's from us.
Nick: Oh, yeah right. Can I ask you a question ?
Wayne: You can try.
Nick: Do you still have that lost pet board right inside the front door ?
Wayne: No, we don't
Nick: I bet you do.
Wayne: It's been replaced.
Nick: Yeah with a lost granny board. So have you found any lost pets lately ?
Wayne: No, we don't do that kind of thing on this show, as it's taken you an hour and a half to get through it's obviously a popular quiz you see.
Nick: No I was ringing the wrong number, I hate to break the news to you Wayne: No you weren't.
Nick: As soon as I got the right number I got straight through, trust me.
Wayne: Virgin steal all our best Dj's.
Nick: That's true enough.
Wayne: Paul Coyte is now working for you.
Nick: He's following me, he's in the building right now. Oh, he said so many nice things about you.
Wayne: Give him my regards.
Nick: Yeah Ok pal, will do.
Wayne: If you want to call tommorrow, Radio Blackjack's on the air.
Nick: All right how much do I win ? I'll play you 5 card stud poker for a hundred pounds right now, are you up for it ?
Wayne: Double the prizes if it's a 5 card trick.
Nick: Are you up for it ?
Wayne: Am I up for what ?
Nick: A hundred pounds stud poker...
Wayne: Oh no, I don't play poker.
Nick: Ok, You want to chicken out on that one, huh ?
Wayne: Only strip poker with ladies.
Nick: Yeah right.
Wayne: On CNFM 103
Nick: Well as long as you don't say anything stupid moronic or sexist then that's ok.
Wayne: Alright.
Nick: See you.
Wayne: Hey Rick, nice talking to you.
Nick: Yeah and you Dwayne.
Wayne: Bye.
Nick: Bye, bye. Hmmm. (Pause) It took so long and was it worth it ? Not really.

Nick on Danny Baker
So all the papers were full of it today, yeah no question about that ! (Sound effect - Fart.) Radio one bosses proudly showed off their all star DJ line up yesterday but their big signing was away selling soap. Cheeky Danny Baker poached from Radio Five for... (Pause) £150,000 A YEAR. I'll just pause and let that figure sink in. He couldn't show up for the big press launch because he was away selling washing powder What a man, I just love him ! A hundred and fifty thousand pounds a year isn't enough to show up for the shoot. Now think about that figure for just a minute, he's going to be doing two shows a week for a hundred and fifty thousand pounds a year. Which I worked out is 200 pensioners TV licences A WEEK !! A week ! 200 of your TV licences goes into that mans pocket every week for two days work. Stunning, I thought the BBC were supposed to be the bad payers but they are just chucking our money away as though they could care less. 150 grand a year for two days work a week, that's almost like being the chief executive of a nationalised industry. Amazing, absolutely amazing.

A Steve Wright fan writes to Nick
(Nick dials number - phone rings)
Nick: Great !
Man: (Gives out phone number)
Nick: Hello, is Mark there please ?
Man: Mark ?
Nick: Yeah.
Man: No, he's in bed asleep.
Nick: Is he ? Oh sorry about that.
Man: Who's that ?
Nick: This is Nick Abbot from Virgin 1215 and you're on the air right now.
Man: Oh. (Pause) Are we ?
Nick: I'm afraid so, yes.
Man: We're all in bed.
Nick: Are you ?
Man: Yeah ?
Nick: Sorry about that, mate.
Man: It's Ok, bye.
Nick: Bye bye. I kind of thought so. I have a letter here which says :- Dear Nick, In our school we have a crap club which we are not members of because it's crap! It's called the (Pause) ***Steve Wright Fan Club !!*** (Pause, Nick laughs) All they do is talk about Steve Wright in the afternoon, they think it's great, they should get a life ! Because you hate Steve they hate you. Oh now when did I ever say that I hated Steve ? They call you a show off and a minge bastard and take the piss out of your hair. MY HAIR!?! (pause, Nick laughs) What's wrong with my hair !?! WE HATE THEM !! They think you are really rude because you dump so many callers and are rude to them. They are too scared to tell you face to face so we will you give you their names and phone numbers. They make cheap excuses not to call you, they will not be expecting your call. Too true, they was asleep. P.S. Who sang 'keep on rocking in the free world' originally ? I heard it on your show the other night and saw it on the MTV movie awards performed by Pearl Jam and some other guy. Oh great (Nick laughs) Kids ! Some other guy ?! Neil Young! So anyway, isn't that interesting ? People who listen to his show are in bed asleep right now and people who listen to mine are up and vibrant and throbbing !!

PLEASE NOTE: These transcripts are here thanks to Ian Tomkinson, Lewis Gill and Dean Bridges who spent ages typing them all out.